Meet the designer who created Rihanna’s Met Gala dress

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The Met Gala is one of the most fashionable red carpets around.

A-listers, B-listers, and even a few C-listers (looking at you Zoe Kravitz!) have turned this night into a debutante ball for the most over-the-top couture you can imagine.

tfw you basic and you know it

But nobody did it better this year than Rihanna.

queen

The theme for the event was “China: Through the Looking Glass”, celebrating Western interpretations of Chinese and Oriental fashions through the years and highlighting up-and-coming Chinese designers.

And it couldn’t come sooner, considering brands from Louis Vuitton to Chanel to Prada are literally falling over each other to reach the riches the Chinese market has to offer.

Most celebrities didn’t quite understand how to dress for this.  It’s not prom, and you don’t have to wear taffeta or a takeout box to look all “omg azn, super kawaii!”

Rihanna isn’t most celebrities.

RiRi hit it out of the park with an imposing fur-lined dress with a train longer than the Orient Express, designed by Chinese fashion designer Guo Pei.

you know you’re a queen when moving your dress creates jobs

This work of art, which took two years(!!!) to create, isn’t Guo Pei’s only outrageous creation either.  The designer is well-known throughout Asia, and has debuted some absolute stunners at international events like Singapore Fashion Week.

Check out this Marie-Antoinette-inspired piece, complete with intricate collar and headdress.

too cool to sit down

Another royal creation.

eff it, I’m taking the whole table with me

One of Guo Pei’s most interesting inspirations is the traditional Chinese fan.  And I don’t mean walking around, batting your eyes, and acting all coquettish — I mean actually wearing the fan.

talk about defying gravity

seriously envying that headdress

don’t touch my arms

As well as feathers.

And the shoes!

put all those b*tches who run half-marathons to rest

My God, the shoes.

this shoe got more complex than the chick before you in the therapist’s office

But by far the most otherworldly is this peplum show-stopper, which looks like the torrid love-child of Sarah Burton and Viktor&Rolf.

f**k riding the subway

These make Rihanna’s cape look almost tame in comparison.

Let’s hope more celebrities and fashionistas alike take advantage of Guo Pei’s incredible thread-talent.

queen

This chick went ALL OUT on her Grammy dress

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Usually the Grammy’s invites much more formal dress than most music shows.

This ain’t the VMAs, and if you’re cooter’s facing the cameras they’re not gonna let you in.

sorry Amber

But some chick nobody has heard of, Joy Villa, cranked it up to ELEVEN with her Grammy’s outfit.

SHEEZUS

First thing I thought: “this crazy b*tch done got her dress from a construction site”…

I looked it up and sure enough…she did:

Screenshot 2015-02-08 18.22.34

Let’s be honest — I wouldn’t rock it, and I don’t know anyone who would.

But when you a nobody, it pays to stand out.

The dress was designed by Andre Soriano, aka the dude on Jessica Simpson’s not-gay dad’s lap (a sentence I never thought I’d have to write):

i didn’t know bobby trendy could have children

The best part?

The dress is completely recyclable.

In fact, by tomorrow morning, it will likely return to blocking off the construction site from whence it came.

I really like Joy’s attitude about it, which she wears better than the dress:

“I hope I end up on both (best and worst dressed) lists,” she said. “If people love it or hate it, it doesn’t matter to me.”

Props, girl.

QIT: queen-in-training

Winter wear…coming to a local ratchet near you

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Remember those tacky-ass fake-fur jackets that used to be popular around, say, the last Israel-Hezbollah conflict?

awww cute baby doe

You know the kinds.

Ghetto girls of all colors, shapes, and sizes would wear them over a babydoll tee, short shorts, and Ugg boots.

oh god it’s awful

Well guess what…

THEY BAAAAAACK.

dammit drake

Like everything else these days, the price has gone up just a wee bit.

And by a “wee bit”, I mean they cost more than you pay in two months of rent.

The jackets are $1200 each.

Twelve.

Hundred.

Dollars.

For a damn jacket.

$1200 to look like a damn park ranger

Now, we get when a purse is expensive, cuz handbags are everything.

Hermes don’t come cheap.

queen

But $1200 for a jacket? Are you high?

That better be made of Oprah’s ashy elbows.

The Canada Goose jacket is popular among the Hollywood set for three reasons:

  • it’s expensive
  • it’s discreet (take note, Eddie Murphy)
  • it’s actually super warm and comfortable.

Stuffed with the feathers of only the finest Canadian geese, they’re originally designed to be worn in and around the Arctic Circle.

Not Manhattan.

Not Aspen.

And certainly as hell not Beverly Hills, where the coldest thing around is Kyle Richards after a few glasses of Chardonnay.

always queen

For all you baes on a budget, don’t worry: by next winter there will be PLENTY of K-Mart knockoffs for your little EBT booty.

Isn’t it sad what happens with everything nice though?

Take Louis Vuitton. Having an LV bag used to MEAN something. Your mom would keep one tucked away only for special occasions. Same thing as Coach, Uggs, Louboutins — it’s all mainstream now.

got her some louboutins, bitches love louboutins

You can go into your local Payless and get designer lookalikes better than any Chinese factory could make.

Brands get hot, then they get popular, then they get cheapened, then they get REALLY cheapened, then Steve Madden makes a version and drives them into the goddamn ground.

What happened to nice things just being…”nice”?

Are we gonna run out of nice things someday?

Will the fate of our entire civilization rest on the shoulders of a Celine iPhone 6 cover?

THE WORLD IS ENDING

Kris Jenner doesn’t hold back

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Can we all just agree that Kris Jenner is one of the hardest working people in show business?

and hardest partying

Girl’s (well, she’s kinda too old to be called girl anymore) job is promotion.

She promoted her daughters with one man, her daughters with another man, herself, and the whole family, and she hits the ground to do it every damn day.

I don’t think in the past eight years I’ve ever seen that woman just take a break. Or go to the mall and walk around a bit with a Wetzel’s Pretzel. Or kick back with a bottle of wine at a patio cafe.

if she wants to drink she damn well is getting paid to do it

Case-in-point: Kris was caught arriving at LAX, walking through the terminal wearing one hell of a beautiful animal, and was holding one thing in her hands:

A Cosmo cover with her daughter Kylie on it.

It wasn’t just something she was holding casually, like a minimal-IQ celebrity holding a stack of Penguin Classics to prove that they can read at a beyond-4th-grade level.

She flaunts it. She holds it cover-out in a way that nobody would ever hold a magazine in everyday life.

yes, that’s her in a completely different part of LAX holding the mag the same exact way

She made a story about it.

She wants the headline to be her holding it.

 

She wants the later headline to be that this was their most successful, highest-sales cover of the year.

That 10% is hers.

She wants it, she gets it, and she never, ever holds back, unlike you lazy bitches do sitting in bed with a carton of gelato watching Netflix do.

Get it “girl”.

Get that commission.

queen

Mia Farrow has no pictures of her black children

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When you think Mia Farrow, you think of the woman who was 1) Woody Allen’s ex-wife and 2) has an enormous, globe-spanning variety of adopted children.

My first thought when having a bunch of children is how the hell I would keep all their names straight. Kids don’t have pronoun names like “mom”, “dad”, or “uncle handsy”.

but let’s face it, the man can pull off gold lamé like no other

Children have to be called by their names to establish an identity from being an infant to being an adult. Unless they’re a reality-insulated child of the British upper-class who acquires a nickname like “Porky”, that name will stay with them for the rest of their life.

Consequently, *most* good parents always carry around photos of their children. It used to be small, wallet-sized snaps that would be deployed at a moment’s notice by a proud dad selling his little angel’s Girl Scout Troop 666 “Will-Make-You-Gain-Love-Handles-On-Your-Neck-Fat Mints” and now it’s probably some weird iCloud album devoted to your little boobug but parents carrying around photos of their children is a time-honored touchstone of mankind since cavemen dragged around school photo day paint chips from Lascaux.

and THAT was Ur’s first hunter-gathering!

*everyone rolls eyes*

But Mia Farrow is not any normal parent.

She has not one, not two, but FOURTEEN children, ten of whom were adopted.

this is only half of them

And in wishing her cute daughter a happy 21st on Twitter, she shared a Google Images screenshot of her daughter.

Hold your weaves–that’s not even the worst part.

To search for the image–of her OWN daughter–she typed:

mia farrow and her black children

Seriously:

her daughter be like “tha f*ck?”

I’m sure…no, I’m POSITIVE that if someone referred to her kids in an interview “So Mia, how are your black children?” she would flip a b*tch.

She deleted the Tweet with the screenshot image after, but the damage was already done.

Your phone’s got what — 16 gigs, Mia? Don’t give me that “but I have a Galaxy” BS either.

If you can’t keep photos of your kids on your phone, don’t have 14 of them.

And for Black Jesus’s sake–don’t separate them by race.

The $5 billion woman who didn’t have to bow to the Queen

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When you think of the woman with more titles than anyone, you’d think the Queen of England, right?

always queen

After all, she’s the Queen of the United Kingdom (England, Scotland, Northern Ireland) and the Commonwealth (any country with a British accent, really) and anyone has to bow before her because she is basically in charge of something like 1/5 of the world’s surface.

However, there is one person with more titles than her, a distant relative of both the Queen, Princess Diana, and Winston Churchill: The Duchess of Alba, who held the Guinness World Record for over 40 titles including being a countess (19 times over), marquesa (23 times) and more.

The Duchess’s full name is María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay (try fitting THAT on a driver’s license) but she simply went by Cayetana.

By the terms of royal succession, Cayetana would “[bow] to no one: not her king, Juan Carlos of Spain, nor Queen Elizabeth, nor the pope”, due to her extensive lineage (but being the *queen* she is, she did indeed bow to the Queen as well as the Spanish royal family.

She’s insanely rich, worth nearly $5 billion.

who are all these poor people?

She’s a cougar: in 2011, she was married at age 85 to her third husband, a government worker who was 25 years younger than her. When her children objected and called him a “golddigger”, she went ahead and gave them their inheritance in advance and had her new husband renounce any claims to the $750 million that remained.

She owns everything, from a letter by Christopher Columbus to a first-edition copy of Don Quixote to an art collection by every single European master of the past 300 years.

Here she poses with a Goya painting titled “The Duchess of Alba”, named after her relative and the last woman to hold her title.

She turned down an offer by Picasso to pose naked for a portrait, and was perhaps the only woman in history to turn down Picasso for anything.

turn down for what

She could cross the country of Spain without leaving one of her enormous estates.

Speaking of the Queen and throwing shade, she was married a month before Queen Elizabeth, in a ceremony that was even more lavish (she is after all worth 5 times more than the British Royal Family).

In 1959, she hosted a Dior fashion show in one of her palaces–and for kicks, invited a young Yves Saint Laurent to show off his threads too.

When her first husband died, she married a defrocked Catholic priest, which shocked Spanish society.

When her second husband died, she married that “toyboy” , which shocked Spanish society again, including King Juan Carlos. She claimed she was “madly in love” and married him anyway.

Her kids called her “emotionally unstable”, so in retaliation she graced the cover of Vanity Fair Spain and proclaimed that while she was widowed, they were divorced.

And then there was the plastic surgery.

with Jackie Kennedy in the 60s

1980s

2000s

2011

The Duchess made Joan Rivers look like an amateur.

Not many 85-year-olds can kick off their shoes and dance at their own wedding, but the Duchess did it.

 

This last quote from the sadly-just-departed Duchess makes her death all the more poignant:

I confess I am thinking of keeping on living. Although it’s only so I can enjoy the expression on people’s faces when I point at them and say “I’m going to bury you all.”

What a life well lived.

I can’t handle this theme wedding right now

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If “drunk” is a theme, then my wedding will be a theme wedding.

Because we all know…ain’t none of my family is gonna show up if there’s no open bar.

just die

But this couple turned “theme wedding” all the way up to 11 with their Little Mermaid inspired wedding.

apparently he couldn’t find more than one dude to go along with this

I love those nails tho…

omg stahhhhhp

THE CUPCAKES HAVE HIPSTER GLASSES WHY

Part of me is extremely jealous that they pulled off this awesome picture-perfect wedding without a hitch and that it’s well-thought-out and creative.

And the other part of me is like “smh…white people…”

Anyway, I want those macaroons RIGHT MEOW.

UPDATE: This wasn’t a real wedding it was all a photoshoot to promote a wedding service god is dead

If you can’t kick it in Hollywood, start a Lifestyle website!

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This is almost too easy ready-to-bake click bait. However, if nobody talked about washing your hands then nobody ever would. If nobody talked about how Blake Lively is the new Gwyneth Paltrow then nobody would properly shade her like they should.

Orange is the new black, gluten-free is the new bulimia, J-Law is Apple and Moses’ new mommy, and Blake Lively’s Preserve website is the new Goop.

Oh G-meth. This is not your year honey*.

*of course it’s bee-cruelty free honey. I know your hobby-horses!

I won’t even mention the EPIC shade Marthaw-Stew just threw in the latest edition of that magazine that she lives in.

Blake and her husband are expecting a baby! She threw an autumn themed faux baby shower (all the super rage) with some other pretty pregnant model friends so she could artfully present a saccharine and corporate-boheme lifestyle available to you now if you just purchase the items listed. Woodstock was really about consumerism, guys.

faux baby shower

Mrs. Reynolds not pictured. Look how well-coordinated they are! It’s like my family portraits from the 90’s, but with less Gymboree.

On the website some ghostwriter writes: “Today we celebrate them. With food to fill their tummies (as if that needs more filling), presents to soothe their tired (and swollen) soles, toys to warm their baby’s souls, projects to provoke them, and decorations to inspire creativity and merriment in all.”

With matching flowing peasant skirts to showcase our corporate individuality, enough fall foliage to give Ralph Lauren a hard-on, and non-alcoholic sodas made with artisan syrup and rimmed with bergamot-lime sugar we toast ourselves and our future yuppie children (Loxley, Forested, and Chiminee)!

Blake Lively wants to preserve a hand-made American dream:

America is full of tales waiting to be told. There are beautiful stories hiding in small towns and big cities, on suburban streets and rural roads. Great wisdom lives in the well-worked hands of aging craftspeople and in the eager words of young artisans. Our very history is whispered into the materials they use to make exquisite goods according to timeless standards of quality and care. That is the tradition we aim to preserve.

How wonderful it is to discover something that has been cast aside, to pick it up and restore it to its original beauty. Maybe it’s sentimental of us, but we hold fast to memories and moments, to relics from bygone eras. Our goal is to support the America we’ve always known, and the one we haven’t yet met. We hope to achieve this in small but meaningful ways, through the stories we tell, the treasures we share and our genuine desire to give back to those with fewer opportunities but just as much heart and soul as anyone else. We believe that nurturing a better tomorrow upholds the yesterday we cherish, for all of us.

In a way, she already has. There is nothing more quintessentially American and home grown than relying on vague sentimentality, apple-pie hopes, and picket fence dreams to sell crap that nobody needs. You don’t need any of this. Blake knows this and she doesn’t just want you to desire those adorable lion pea coat jackets (for children you don’t have), she wants you to aspire to the lifestyle that she has created using a team of decorators and a professional photographer. This is photoshop for your everyday life. We know that cover girl’s five inch thigh gap isn’t real, but do we equally pay attention to the absurdity of matching guest outfits? Or the ridiculousness of having a table that crowded with plate ware? Martha, Gwyneth, and Blake might feel that they are doing a service in inspiring us to lead more photogenic and earth-sustainable lives, but their recipe for organic happiness is an unsustainable fairy tale.

How photoshop is used for good

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When you think “photoshop”, you think of some model airbrushed within an inch of her life and looking like a damn smear.

wtf?  girl ain’t nobody that skinny!

When one reddit user posted this photo with the following caption, it was hard to take.

My grandma wanted to see the ocean one last time before checking into hospice. Her face says it all.

Here’s a woman with a face of inescapable joy–despite her disability, her condition, and while her body is in pain her soul is young and vibrant.

One fellow redditor decided to use photoshop, for good, by shopping out the dear lady’s catheter bag, which inadvertently entered the shot.

It’s a little change, but it made all the difference.

May we treasure our loved ones for as long as we’re blessed to have them.

Stupid school lets girl get bullied, then punishes her for littering

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Man, I don’t know what’s wrong with schools these days.

Teachers don’t step up and discipline students, administrators expel kids for biting Pop Tarts into gun shapes, and parents stop being parents and leave ass-whooping to molesting teachers.

For example, here’s an example of some 21st-century bullying:

Caitlin Prater-Haacke, an 11th-grader who lives in a suburb of Calgary, Canada, had her school locker vandalized by bullies, who took her iPad and used it to post cruel messages on her Facebook.

Shi*ty, right? They sure didn’t do that when I was in school.

So Caitlin had an idea which sounds pretty sweet:

But rather than retaliate, the student decided to spread happiness instead, and came into school last week armed with 850 Post-It notes covered in messages like ‘You’re awesome!’ and ‘Be yourself’.

Shoot, why can’t there be more Caitlins in the world? Can you imagine how much of a better place it would be?

I hope she didn’t put notes that said “you’re awesome” and “be yourself” on the bullies’ lockers tho. Cuz they ain’t and they shouldn’t.

Anyway, after this nice gesture, Caitlin became a school hero, right?

Caitlin was pulled out of class, shouted at by staff and told that the school janitors are not there to clean up her mess, the Calgary Sun reported.

Caitlin done pissed off some lazy-ass union members by being a nice girl.

Homeschooling’s starting to look reaaaal good right now.

Eventually, the community rallied behind Caitlin with a movement called #positivepostitday and the school changed their minds, because don’t people know by now the villain never wins?

newly-crowned queen