I'm a Little Girl in a Pink Party Dress

We already know Starbucks got a secret menu.

who the hell’s got the money to buy a biscotti and put it in the damn drink?

And that for your West Coast (represent) hoes, In-N-Out got a secret menu.

if someone I knew ordered a #10 or a #23 i’d smack the sh*t outta them

But did you simples know that Chipotle got a secret menu too?

That’s right, you don’t always gotta have a burrito or a burrito bowl (for you fatasses).

You can get a quesarito.

What’s that, you say?

First, get a towel.

Then listen to this:

That’s right, instead of using a plain flour tortilla like the unfortunate soul next to you, the Chipotle servers will start your Quesarito off with a quesadilla they make from sandwiching a heaping amount of cheese between two tortilla shells and heating it in the warmer while you wait. Once you have the quesadilla, the process is back to normal, just tell the server what items and meat you want inside your Quesarito burrito and they will wrap it up and check you out.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAÀASSSSS

The quesarito sounds like your one way ticket to heartattack city POUNDTOWN.

I don’t care if you’ve got a boyfriend.

I don’t care if you’ve been sexting.

I don’t even care if that creepy old man at the gas station with Parkinsons winks at you occasionally.

GO GET YOSELF A QUESARITO AND PUT A RING ON IT, GIRL.

I wouldn’t know what having a stalker is like, but I presume it’s the attention I always wanted.

But having a stalker is no joke, and this young woman’s ex-boyfriend turned “I just don’t understand why we have to break up” all the way up to 11:

After 6 months of stalking and threats against my life my stalker finally snapped and decided to kick my door in and make good on his promise.

What does a stalker logically think he’s gonna get out of this situation? “Oh, I love you, you love me, but this wooden thing with a lock and a handle is the only thing that stands in between us and happiness, I have to kick it in otherwise we’re doomed to sadness forever!”

Anyway, that situation is terrifying as hell for anyone, especially a young woman who lives alone.

So like any young woman who lives alone, she did the smart thing: arm herself.

I awoke around 1:15 am to the sound of the door giving way after one kick followed by the sounds of my stalker struggling to dislodge the chair while forcing his way inside. I jumped up and grabbed the gun I’ve learned to do everything even shower with.

I stood at the top of my stairs and fired twice. Hitting him in the chest, I hear his scream, his disbelief that I’d stood up for myself.. 0 to 100 in milliseconds. I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I do not know if he is living, but I do know the police have him and that’s what helps the most.

If someone’s trying to attack you and breaks-the-fuck into your house, calling the police is only good if you want someone to retrieve your body.

Sometimes, you just have to take matters into your own hands.

Also, this commendable young lady has a message for all you weak-ass-hoes who were all like “oh no GUNZ IZ BAD Y’ALL”:

Those who believe there was other things to be done have never had someone tell you that you no longer deserve to draw breath and mean it.

And for the ‘shouldve fired a warning shot’ folks: There are no warning shots, a gun is a deadly force, you only pull that trigger if you are in fear for your life and all other methods of deterring are gone. When he kicked my door in, there was no longer a deterrent preventing harm. Warning shots are dangerous and could hurt the unintended. This is not a wild west movie.  That’s what responsible gun ownership is.

Because of her quick thinking, this girl is alive today to tell her story instead of becoming just another statistic.

her front door in the aftermath

I still don’t understand how videos go “viral” n shit.

Like, is there a formula for making sure a video has the right title, like “Omg secret leaked Jennifer Lawrence nudes hacked!” for a clip of your kids talking about how Charlie bit their finger?

But somehow, this viral video has got me intrigued:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_BKMGl2tT0

It’s a baby shark…

…in a cat costume…

…riding a Roomba.

Let’s think about the feasibility here.

Sharks die out of water, so this obviously can’t be a real shark.

Also, trying to slip a shark into a cat costume must be the equivalent of getting Patron back into the bottle.

And on top of that–putting it on a Roomba and having it hold still?

So obvi, it ain’t real.

But what if?

What if you could get a pet shark and put it in a cat costume and put it on a Roomba without getting bitten or turning your living room into a local exhibition of the Long Beach Aquarium?

This is what it would look like.

And I can’t stop watching.

in ur house, cleanin ur floors

Look, if you’re a hot 33-year-old nurse, the last way you gotta get some D is drugging up one of your 60-year-old patients awaiting surgery and riding him into the sunset.

especially if you’re cute like this

But apparently–that happened.

A female nurse “initiated unsolicited sexual relations, including intercourse” with a hospitalized Illinois man who was awaiting a heart transplant, according to a lawsuit filed Monday against the woman and the hospital where her employment was later terminated.

First of all, what does a 33 year old nurse have to gain out of this? What is the likelihood that 33 year old nurses, pretty little things in uniform, get off by humping an old dude that looks like a reject extra from the Sopranos?

contain your orgasms

For sh*t’s sake, the guy looks like he runs a Philly cheese steak stand. We’re not talking about George Clooney here.

Second of all, there’s this juicy detail:

Cantone, whose wife Laura is co-plaintiff in the lawsuit, charges that Shaper, seen at right, “had a propensity to initiate unauthorized physical contact with patients.”

Mhmm.

So what are we betting that this dude’s wife found out he got a little nookie in the hospital and he needed an alibi?

Now things are starting to make a lot more sense.

But third of all–the chick had to consent with this.

At some point or another, her floodgates opened for Fat Paulie and she couldn’t stand it anymore.

Why she couldn’t have gone and picked up some mozzarella at the grocery store and put some Dean Martin in the stereo is beyond me, but to each her own.

Also, she’s been fired, so tell your uncle that no, he can’t get his prostate surgery at Oak Lawn Hospital.

ATTENTION: THIS IS NOT A REAL NURSE

Look, we’re all a-dick-ted to our iPhones, or if you’re poor, Androids.

We text with them, we call with them, we selfie with them, we Instagram with them, we take them to the bathroom, to work, to bed, to dinner, and to meetings with our parole officers.

In fact, we’re kind of in a relationship with our phones. They were there when we swiped right on Tinder and met our new boy and there when we broke up with that POS because he was still using Tinder.

But your phone is neglected. You beat that processor up but you you don’t put a ring on it.

Your phone wants to change that with Ringly.

The ring, available for preorder this week for $145, connects to an iPhone or Android and alerts the wearer to incoming texts, calls, calendar alerts, or emails. It also allows for push notifications from Tinder, eBay, Facebook, and Twitter. If info is coming in, the ring will vibrate and flash a tiny light, so the wearer can be aware of communication without sacrificing social etiquette or style.

The ring ain’t bad looking, even if it looks kinda like a Ring Pop for adults.

i’d rock it

You can also choose the kind of stone you want, so you can buy a Ringly to match your nail polish or, for you special lil ratchets, weave.

dey even got purple cuz you all regal and ish

Unlike those nerdy Samsung watches, you don’t have to go around town looking like C3PO to get notifications from your phone.

Your phone’s a part of your life now. Isn’t it time you took things to the next level?

What’s the deal with names?

Besides the fact that the only girls you know named Tiffany are strippers.

Names are one of the most important things about us. They take us from the moment we’re born until after we’re dead and buried.

last name: attitude first name: iaintgottabad

But apparently, there are “blackest” names aka names that black parents name their children more often than white parents, Mexican parents, or Asian parents.

Here’s the list:

1. Imani (ok that’s pretty obvious, who’s the last white girl you heard named “Imani”?)
2. Ebony (you don’t see a bunch of white girls named Ivory, but ok)
3. Shanice (whose niece? oh. )
4. Aaliyah (RIP)
5. Precious (oh god)
6. Nia (that’s Middle Eastern too)
7. Deja (why isn’t this Asian, then her last name could be Vu)
8. Diamond (shine bright girl)
9. Asia (fact: no Asian girls outside of porn are named Asia)
10. Aliyah (bitches can’t spell)
11. Jada (Pinkett Smith)
12. Tierra (‘Sierra without the T’, she says exasperatedly to the barista)
13. Tiara (wear this bitch on your head)
14. Kiara (now we just lazy)
15. Jazmine (the flower ain’t got a Z!)
16. Jasmin (we gotta be different, y’all)
17. Jazmin (shoot me now)
18. Jasmine (WHY WAS THIS SO HARD?)
19. Alexus (honey your name is Alex, this ain’t the Roman Empire)
20. Raven (SEE that future, girl!)

Unless your name is Jasmine, you’re naming your girl after celebrities, something you can’t afford, or synonyms for “black”.

that’s like…half of raven.  where’d the b*tch go?

What’s wrong with you simple bitches? Why aren’t we creative with names anymore?

What would you name your kid if you stopped taking Ortho Tricyclin?

Listen to this woman’s story and see if this is a good idea:

I am 26 years old and I have been in love with a man from San Pedro de Macorís sense 2006. We both know that we are to far to make anything serious so we have always put off meeting. I speak with him mult. times a day via phone, facebook, & skype. I have also spoke to his family. Melqui has NEVER asked me for money & when I was going to send it he would not allow be to do so. he taught me about Dominican men and how a lot of the treat woman. he also taught me that there are dominican men who make a living off of american woman and telling them what they want to hear so they fall in love. even tho melqui does not make a lot of money he sends me gifts, buys our phone cards to talk, & never has disrespected me. We both love each other and after 7 years i am ready to dravel to DR to finally meet him in person. I am a American woman traveling alone. I will be staying in a resort & he will be staying with me & also helped me pay for the my trip there. My friends and family think i am crazy for going to a thrid world country where i do not know anyone, but after 7 years i feel Melqui and i deserve to do this for eachother. i am white (American) but i speak spanish fluently…. Can anyone give me any advice?

The red flags, they’re strong with this one.

First things first, if this man loves her so much, why has he been talking to her for seven years and not saved up enough money to meet her?

Tickets are only a few hundred bucks, and honey if he can’t make that much in SEVEN years, you drop the lazy bastard.

Second of all, just because he told you about how scuzzy Dominican brothas are doesn’t mean he ain’t trying to scam you.

I’m sure plenty of thieves would tell you to carry your wallet in your front pocket.

Third, why are you going alone to a resort to meet a stranger? Ain’t you ever watched that thing called the news?

Fourth–so you talked to his family. They must be THRILLED. This is their ticket off the islands!

Like one commenter said, “He might be in lust with your photo, but more to the point: you will find out the hard way that he wants you because in his eyes (and the eyes of his family) you are a rich American.”

Speaking of commenters, every commenter was like “OH HONEY NO” and brought up a good point–how do you know the dude ain’t got a wife and kids already? Or that you’re the only American he’s talking to? Or just because he’s not getting money from you specifically, doesn’t mean he ain’t gettin it from another lonely ass ho from Tennessee rubbin her clitty to some island D?

Idk…bitch never responded cuz she’s prolly dead now. Would you go meet a stranger under these circumstances?

internet creep be like “when you gonna come visit the islands bae”