This is almost too easy ready-to-bake click bait. However, if nobody talked about washing your hands then nobody ever would. If nobody talked about how Blake Lively is the new Gwyneth Paltrow then nobody would properly shade her like they should.
Orange is the new black, gluten-free is the new bulimia, J-Law is Apple and Moses’ new mommy, and Blake Lively’s Preserve website is the new Goop.
Oh G-meth. This is not your year honey*.
*of course it’s bee-cruelty free honey. I know your hobby-horses!
I won’t even mention the EPIC shade Marthaw-Stew just threw in the latest edition of that magazine that she lives in.
Blake and her husband are expecting a baby! She threw an autumn themed faux baby shower (all the super rage) with some other pretty pregnant model friends so she could artfully present a saccharine and corporate-boheme lifestyle available to you now if you just purchase the items listed. Woodstock was really about consumerism, guys.
Mrs. Reynolds not pictured. Look how well-coordinated they are! It’s like my family portraits from the 90’s, but with less Gymboree.
On the website some ghostwriter writes: “Today we celebrate them. With food to fill their tummies (as if that needs more filling), presents to soothe their tired (and swollen) soles, toys to warm their baby’s souls, projects to provoke them, and decorations to inspire creativity and merriment in all.”
With matching flowing peasant skirts to showcase our corporate individuality, enough fall foliage to give Ralph Lauren a hard-on, and non-alcoholic sodas made with artisan syrup and rimmed with bergamot-lime sugar we toast ourselves and our future yuppie children (Loxley, Forested, and Chiminee)!
Blake Lively wants to preserve a hand-made American dream:
America is full of tales waiting to be told. There are beautiful stories hiding in small towns and big cities, on suburban streets and rural roads. Great wisdom lives in the well-worked hands of aging craftspeople and in the eager words of young artisans. Our very history is whispered into the materials they use to make exquisite goods according to timeless standards of quality and care. That is the tradition we aim to preserve.
How wonderful it is to discover something that has been cast aside, to pick it up and restore it to its original beauty. Maybe it’s sentimental of us, but we hold fast to memories and moments, to relics from bygone eras. Our goal is to support the America we’ve always known, and the one we haven’t yet met. We hope to achieve this in small but meaningful ways, through the stories we tell, the treasures we share and our genuine desire to give back to those with fewer opportunities but just as much heart and soul as anyone else. We believe that nurturing a better tomorrow upholds the yesterday we cherish, for all of us.
In a way, she already has. There is nothing more quintessentially American and home grown than relying on vague sentimentality, apple-pie hopes, and picket fence dreams to sell crap that nobody needs. You don’t need any of this. Blake knows this and she doesn’t just want you to desire those adorable lion pea coat jackets (for children you don’t have), she wants you to aspire to the lifestyle that she has created using a team of decorators and a professional photographer. This is photoshop for your everyday life. We know that cover girl’s five inch thigh gap isn’t real, but do we equally pay attention to the absurdity of matching guest outfits? Or the ridiculousness of having a table that crowded with plate ware? Martha, Gwyneth, and Blake might feel that they are doing a service in inspiring us to lead more photogenic and earth-sustainable lives, but their recipe for organic happiness is an unsustainable fairy tale.
