Congratulations, losers! How Ann Coulter trolled you all…

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More than 200 schoolgirls were abducted recently by Boko Haram, an Islamist terrorist group in Nigeria.

This is the type of thing that probably requires close military work with the Nigerian government, swift and continuous diplomacy, and a deployment of special forces to swoop in and save the girls before they’re harmed.

But instead, it’s become a Twitter campaign, which as we all know is The Most Effective Way To Do Anything These Days™.

Even First Lady Michelle Obama got in on the action, posting the following tweet:

…because sleeping next to the Commander-in-Chief apparently never gets you what you want.

Don’t ask Michelle…ask Monica, who most definitely entered the White House a non-smoker.

Ann Coulter parodied the sadface :(#BringBackOurGirls message of Michelle Obama, holding the same expression and a similar piece of paper that said, #BringBackOurCountry.

The tweet is captioned, “My hashtag contribution to world affairs…”

The photo was widely disseminated and retweeted over 2800 times, leading to a plethora of photoshops and parodies with “#BringBackMySoul” and other stupid crap.

Talking Points Memo breathlessly characterized the photo as “backfires big time”.

Gawker featured a gallery called, “Here’s a collection of Twitter trolls teaching Photoshop to Ann Coulter”.

HuffPost went for the simple (as per usual): “LOL: Ann Coulter’s AMAZING Fail”.

Yet these three outlets and hundreds of photoshop artists failed to realize that the joke is on them.

They distributed Coulter’s photo to hundreds of thousands of people, across headlines, Twitter, Reddit, etc–an audience much, much further than a couple thousand people on Twitter.

This was what Coulter wanted.  By becoming a lightning rod for the unbalanced hate of others, her message spread far and wide.

Congratulations, losers. Ann Coulter trolled you all.

Amber Rose is the future

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When she’s not being the sexiest bald humanoid alive, Amber Rose brings a little bit of the future back for our feeble minds to comprehend.

Case in point, at the Billboard Music Awards:

The sunglasses are part of the Pharrell x Moncler collaboration called “Lunettes”.

inferior Amber Rose body double

Other, more simple sunglasses in the collection run in the $500 range, and curiously, the shields (not Brooke) are not available on the Moncler website.

Just face it, everyone…

Amber Rose is the future, and we’re all hopelessly stuck in the Wayfarer-bespectacled past.

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We can never be as good as Angelina

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Angelina Jolie is one of those actresses who, instead of giving lip service to a cause, actually goes out there and does something about it.

She’s got it all too: the hottest man on earth as a husband, a rainbow of adorable kids, and oh yeah, better legs than you too.

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queen

She’s actually gone on the ground in Iraq, Pakistan, and other warzones in the Middle East and Africa and worked to make a difference.

As a result, she’s been named as a Special Envoy to the UN High Commissioner for Refugees.

Now, she could easily go, take a few photos, smile, and be done with it.

But Angelina Jolie is not that kind of girl.

In her first speech to the UN, she actually rips the UN for not doing nearly enough to curb rape during wartime.

She told the Security Council that ‘hundreds of thousands – if not millions – of women, children and men have been raped in conflicts in our lifetimes’.

Jolie, a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. high commissioner for refugees, said the Security Council has witnessed 67 years of wars and conflict since it was established ‘but the world has yet to take up warzone rape as a serious priority.’

‘You set the bar,’ she told the council. ‘If the … council sets rape and sexual violence in conflict as a priority it will become one and progress will be made. If you do not, this horror will continue.’

It takes balls to get a bunch of fluff awards from the UN, then criticize them for being lazy and corrupt in front of them—a lesson they need to be told time and time again until things change.

Angelina 4 President of the World, y’all…

According to me and your Twitter, you’re crazy

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A recent study of Twitter users found that, by analyzing their language, people could be effectively diagnosed as psychopaths.

And to think, I’ve been telling you that you’re crazy this entire time and you didn’t believe me.

The study analyzed three traits—psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism—and showed that certain words were tipoffs:

What are some of the Twitter stylings of these undesirables? Curse words. Angry responses to other people, including swearing and use of the word “hate.” Using the word “we.” Using periods. Using filler words such as “blah” and “I mean” and “um.”

F*ck haters! I mean…umMm…we don’t need that ish. #blah

In other words—any Chris Brown tweet qualifies.

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never forget that he did this

A second study was performed that ranked levels of agreement on the following questions:

Psychopathy

1. Payback needs to be quick and nasty.
2. I like to pick on losers.

Narcissism

1. I have been compared to famous people.
2. I insist on getting the respect I deserve.

Machiavellianism

1. You should wait for the right time to get back at people.
2. Most people are suckers.

I vote yes on all the above, what does that make me?

Well, out of 3000 tested, 41 people qualified as bonafide psychopath narcissist Machiavellians.

And the degree of correlation between language and responses to the assessments? Extremely high.

Like I already told you: you’re crazy for sleeping with your ex again, and judging by your ratchet tweets, even scientists agree with me.

The two worst people you know went to high school together

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Michael Lohan, the worst father in America who now considers himself to be some sort of low-rent Dr. Drew, has been reaching out as some sort of “rehab aficionado” to D-listers.

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i’m sorry.  i’m really sorry.  just be grateful it’s not hi-res

Look, you ruined Lindsay’s life already, can’t you stay out of everyone else’s?

He’s clasped none other than Tanning Mom into his clutches, getting her into the Lukens facility in West Palm Beach.

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a match made in hell (Long Island)

But this isn’t the first rodeo for Burnt ‘n’ Douche.

Apparently, the two of them went to high school together.  Please, God, tell me they didn’t screw.

Gwen Stefani: we love this cheap b*tch

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Despite having a successful fashion line which has done nearly $90 million in sales (richb*tch!), Gwen Stefani was spotted walking into Marshalls in Studio City the other day.

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That’s right.  Marshalls.

The place your mom tells you to shop cuz it’s cheaper (but not the underwear–you don’t know if it’s clean).

Marshalls is the kind of place you don’t want to be seen, so you wear a big hoodie and sunglasses and dart between the aisles, picking up deals along the way and scurrying out a-sap.

But Gwennie owns it.

We can’t help but love this cheap b*tch.  Here she is, worth millions and millions, and girl knows when to save a buck.